Ok, so now that I have the bones of this blog off the ground, perhaps it’s time I tell you a little about what pushed me to do this. Publicly declaring my mental health issues is NOT something that I would normally do! Well? Here goes nothing:

I am in my 30s, and have been struggling with infertility for 3 years. As I type that I am struck both by “shit, has it really been 3 years of this hell?” and “OMG, this has ONLY BEEN 3 YEARS????? FEELS LIKE A LIFETIME!!!!!” I have also struggled with anxiety and depression my entire life. As you can imagine, this is not the greatest mix of things to have going for a gal!

I would say that I was a high functioning anxious and depressed person. I was raised with a wonderful support group, but also to believe that you ALWAYS put your best foot forward. I would never let people see what was happening on the inside, because I had to be PERFECT. Depression is not something I would even admit to until about a year ago, at which point there was no denying it any longer. I knew I had anxiety. I knew it limited me slightly, I knew other people didn’t freak out over little things the way I did, but I learned how to make it work for me. It wasn’t easy. Did I miss countless school trips because I’d be so anxious about missing them, that my stomach would get sick thereby making me miss them? Yes. Did I fret and panic over every little decision I had to make? Yes. Living with anxiety wasn’t perfect, but I felt I had it under control. When I stressed about an upcoming test? I would use that nervous energy to study my ass off and ACE the damn thing. I was top of my class. ALWAYS. All the fidgety excess nervous energy that seems to endlessly there? I channeled that into sports and the gym and got into great physical shape. And the better shape I was in, the better I felt about myself, the more confidence I had and it was GREAT. So ya, did I stress and worry all the time? Hells yes. Did I think it was truly an issue that needed me to seek help? naw.

All that changed 3 years ago. My husband and I decided we were ready to start trying for a family. OF COURSE I immediately started stressing about my cycle, the food I ate, what I drank, the type of exercise I did, the amount I stressed, you name it, I worried about it. Like any good rule following freaker-outer, I made an appt with my doc after 2 months of unsuccessful baby making. I know, I know, 2 months is nothing, the average is 4 and that’s an average, but you see, my cycle wasn’t normal and I KNEW something was wrong. despite EVERYONE telling me to the contrary. Thus began by BATTLE with healthcare professionals and unbeknownst to me? My battle with my own mental health.

Now, let me say here and now that I have had trouble with select health care professionals, particularly ANY of the ones having to do with my lady bits and fertility, so I may come across as unnecessarily mean spirited towards them. My apologies to any one in this profession, I can only go based on my experience and to say that they were not particularly great would be an understatement. I am not trying to call out every doctor out there, that would be ridiculous.

Anyway, fast forward about 8 months, many fights, many scans, many blood tests, many hormone trials later, and the verdict was? “something is up, I have no idea what, you best see a fertility expert”. There was a brief feeling of “OMG I’M NOT CRAZY!!!!! I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!!!” which was immediately replaced with dread. The worst was happening. Of course I won’t be able to have kids. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. What do I do now?? My husband tried to calm me. But he just didn’t understand. I felt like I was freaking out all alone, that I had NO ONE who understood. Not even my partner, the one who wanted kids with me.

Little did I know I had NO IDEA what real trials still lay ahead.

My story continues in my next post – coming soon!

Well folks, today I learned that I am HOPELESS when it comes to computers! Currently, I have the bare bones of a blog set up: Black and white, no images, hopefully working links, and a whole host of frustrations at how slowly this is moving BUT it is UP! Hopefully now I can start sharing my story, my struggle, my pain and my joy… next step? see if anyone wants to hear it….

Thanks for joining me!

Here you will find my personal stories about dealing with Depression, Anxiety, Infertility, Marriage and life in general. All of this is an ongoing battle for me, which I deal with with a dark sense of humour, sarcasm, and generally questionable coping mechanisms. I’m hoping that I can raise awareness of what living with this is like, but also, I hope I can reach even one person out there who is struggling and feels alone. You are not alone. There are many of us struggling in silence. I hope you read my story and feel a little less alone.